I had a rough Sunday a few days ago. I had a crisis of faith of sorts. Not so much of what I believe - but how I practice it (especially as a leader). Fortunately I've been able to process it with some good friends - to whom I am very grateful. But I'd like to put a few thoughts on here to remind myself of what God's teaching me.
The basic issue is the problem of pain - which is nothing new - but this week I couldn't ignore it.
I'm not naive enough to think that people don't suffer or question every week. And yet on Sunday we come together to sing songs about who God is and what He has done...and this is often from a very comfortable/happy mindset. But not last Sunday...
So over the past week -
The hurricane tragedy surrounded everyone - which is a national/global/human tragedy.
But the thing that got to me most: A young, strong, healthy 21-year old guy from church gets a surprising and devastating diagnosis with little warning or hope - and he and his family are in church.
As I walked out to lead the body in songs of praise - my heart was so heavy as I saw this family and especially this kid. I have NO idea what they're experiencing - doubt, anger, pain,...
And I sang,
"Forever God is faithful, forever God is strong...."
"And right now in the good times and bad - You are on Your throne and You are God alone"
"I know for sure all of my days are held in Your hand, crafted into Your perfect plan"
- and I know all of those things are true.
But it was not comforting - it actually made me want to grieve.
My brother and sister were home from college - so we all ate lunch together. As my dad thanked God for our home, our food, and our health - and prayed for those who did not have some of those things - I lost it. (Meaning, I went to the bathroom - and bawled.)
I know all the right answers about worshipping God despite circumstances. But I think I had a moment that Melissa has told me about that I've not had often.
Come soon, Jesus. This world hurts and we want to be with you. You promised there will be a day when there won't be any more pain or sorrow. Let it be very soon - as You always intended it to be.
Forgive me for forgetting where I am - and what You've told me about that.
Then, yesterday, I got an email with a video based on Psalm 137 - images from the hurricane and a song called, "Don't Make Us Sing This." I'm there. And I'm not the first or last person to feel that way.
(If you go this site you can request a free download - it's Music Video 2. It's by Waterdeep's Lori Chaffer.)
It's okay to mourn - and yet have faith.