Friday, January 20, 2006

Mr. T

Facts about Mr. T:
  • When Mr. T folds his arms, the U.S. Terror Alert Level is raised to gold.
  • Every time a church bell rings, Mr. T pities a fool.
  • Mr. T. does not break wind. He destroys it.
  • Mr. T hates playing 'Rock Paper Scissors' because he doesn't believe anything could beat rock. He always chooses rock, and when someone throws paper, he says, "I win." If someone is foolish enough to dispute this, he takes his clenched fist and punches them in the face, then says, "I thought your paper would protect you."
  • Children are afraid of the dark. Dark is afraid of Mr. T.
  • Mr. T speaks only when necessary. His main form of communication is folding his arms and slowly shaking his head. And regardless of the situation, he is always understood.
  • Mr. T pities fools because even fools deserve their daily dose of vitamin T.
  • Mr. T doesn't pity anyone who likes the Black Eyed Peas. He just kills them.
  • Mr T. and Chuck Norris decided to spar; they traveled to the only safe place in the Universe, the beginning of time. They bowed to each other and Chuck launched in with a roundhouse kick. Mr. T blocked it, and the resulting pressure wave is commonly called the Big Bang.
  • Mr.T once punched Chuck Norris at the exact moment he roundhouse kicked Mr.T in the chest. The result was the 80's.
  • Mr. T's chains are not made of gold, they are actually made of curium, one of the heaviest elements in existence. They were put there by the CIA to slow him down, and you're lucky they do, fool.
  • Human females have two X chromosomes. Males have an X and a Y. Mr. T has three Ys and a T. He's more man than you'll ever be.
  • When creating the alphabet, Mr. T placed the letters M, R, and T in separate areas so people could learn to read and spell without fear.
  • Mr. T invented fools. Realizing the magnitude of his folly, he then created Pity.
  • When Mr. T received his star on Hollywood's Walk of Fame, he made his hand prints after the cement was dry.
  • Mr. T is not black. It's just that the sun is too afraid to shine on him.
  • Mr. T coined the phrase, "I see dead people," after the waiting staff at Denny's forgot his birthday.
  • Mr. T doesn't breathe, air just hides in his lungs for protection.
  • Mr. T isn't afraid of flying, but God fears the consequences of letting him fall.
  • Mr. T is the reason the sky is blue. Don't ask stupid questions.
  • On the A-team, Face, Haniabal, and Murdoch were all masters of disguise. Mr T didn't have to wear a disguise. The bad guys didn't recognize him out of fear.
  • There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because Mr. T is going to walk.
  • Mr. T was once involved in a head-on car crash, and he was the only survivor. Mr. T was walking at the time.
  • Mr. T doesn't need an ATM card. He just walks up to the machine, crosses his arms, stares at it, and money comes out.
  • Mr. T puts the laughter in manslaughter.
  • Mr. T always drives on the right side of the road, no matter where he is in the world.
  • Mr. T's edition of the VH1 show 'Where Are They Now' was the shortest in the show's history. It was 10 seconds long, and consisted of a black screen with the words "Right Behind You" written on it.
  • Mr. T made his van go twice the speed of light because he wanted to prove that quantum physics was a bunch of jibba jabba.

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