I Want A Broken Heart

This is the theme of my days recently.

"I've got faith in the bank
and money in my heart
I've got a calloused place
where your ring used to be, my love

I've traded naked and unashamed
for a better place to hide
for a righteous mask
a suit of fig leaves and lies

I thought the cattle on a thousand hills
was not enough to pay my bills
and I fell in love with those who proved me wrong
and now I want a broken heart"

-Derek Webb

I am way too good at ignoring the voice that whispers, "You are even more calloused to all of this than you even realize."

It's a scary prayer - the one for brokenness that is.

I can rest in God's grace - but I think my problem is too much rest.

You should learn something new every day

First, I'd like to share a few things I learned this past weekend on my bus trip w/ highschoolers to see "Wicked":

• Perfume is a weapon. It should be strictly regulated - especially in small enclosed areas.
• The ushers at nice theaters have become much more aggressive lately. We had one lady yelling across half the balcony at people taking pictures. She stressed me out.
• According to the girl in front of me on the bus, "All religions are basically about the same thing - God. There are just so many different kinds because people disagree on the small things. Like, Martin Luther was a monk, but he wanted to get married and have kids. So he nailed those things on the door, and that's how we got Protestants!"
• There are still very few guys in high school choir. Poor souls.
• I. love. Chicago. I need to live in an urban area. I might hate it, but at least I'd get it out of my system.
• My sister is VERY cool. We had fun eating Twizzlers during the show and laughing at the scary usher. I'm really glad I got to go see "Wicked" - but especially with Mary.

My new toy: www.last.fm It tracks the songs you listen to, shows you others who have similar tastes in music, and has an option for streaming radio. Muy bueno.

Oh, and the UofI Homecoming game was fun too. Our parking place was SWEEEET. Spear and I made up a loyalty song to the company that provided it ("We're loyal to you H.D. Smith..."). The boys were very patient with me and my marching band nerdiness. We stood by the tunnel as the band entered, we went up to the east balcony to watch pre-game, we ran down the big ramps, and they listened to me ramble about the fossil band. Between the band and the Stevie Wonder (YEAH, Stevie Wonder!!) we listened to, I was dancing quite a bit over the course of the evening. The football game itself? Not worth speaking of. However, we did stay to the end.

Come, weekend, come!

So my weekend is going to be quite full....but fortunately it will be things I enjoy a lot!

Friday I get to go with my sister's high school choir to Chicago to see Wicked. (British voice: Wwwwiiiiicked!) I haven't seen a professional show in a long while....probably a year at least...so I'm so ready. Mary told me to bring a book for the bus ride since she'd be hanging out with her friends. Hah! I'm not familiar with the show - but have heard great things. I'm hoping Ana Gastayer will still be performing.

Then Saturday is the U of I homecoming football game. Again, it's been since fall 2003 since I've been to a game - so I'm quite overdue. Time to get out my Marching Illini music again. I'm also going with fellow Illini fans. (We're used to the team not doing so well. We're still loyal.)

Good music....good experiences outside the normal Springfield realm....

A moment from the Willow A2 Conference

2 student registrations for a Willow Creek A2 Conference
3 nights at a nice hotel
A tank of gas to get up to the suburbs
7 nationally known speakers/pastors
3 different worship teams leading in a 1 year-old worship auditorium with all the bells & whistles
4,000 other church leaders attending the same conference
Having your best friend lean over halfway through the 2nd day of the conference and whisper, "I'm tired of worshipping": Priceless!

Had a good week - it was nice to get away and just take in a bunch of different perspectives. It was also fun to be with my friend. We had some good car time - tough, but hopefully productive conversations.

Columbus Day

• Began: 9:30am
• Climate: A perfect autumn day
• Menu: Leftover cajun chicken pasta and CHEESY BISCUITS from Red Lobster...and a iced chai in the afternoon
• Soundtrack: John Mayer - specifically, "Why Georgia" and "Love Song for No One"
• Achievements: Shopping without purchasing and remembering my horn lesson on a holiday
• Locations: The apartment, the parentals (when no one was there), JC Penneys, Lincoln Memorial Gardens (standing in for Allerton Park), and church - 3 usuals, 1 planned, and 1 exceptional
• Uniform: Jeans and my new Geneva Vikings t-shirt
• Pondering: Life purpose, love (or lack thereof), and new resolve to be disciplined
• Productive moments: folding laundry, putting away dishes (note the lack of homework/work items)
• Evening Plans: Undetermined

In praise of seminary...and Southern Baptists?!?

I've definitely complained plenty about being in grad school while working a full time job over the past few years. However, I feel the need to sing the praises of seminary for a moment. I am taking a COOL class this semester.

It's called "Contemporary Protestant Church Theologies" - and it's allowing me to take a more in-depth look at the major Protestant groups. Up to this point most of my knowledge of "other" groups has been stereotypes and worship practices.

This week I had to teach the class (it's in a seminar format) on the Southern Baptist Convention. I have to say - it was fascinating to get a more specific idea about the theology and structure of this group. Stereotypes don't really cut it.

Usually when I have a big school project I'm working on it hangs like a cloud over my head and I'm in a MOOD about having to do it. For whatever reason, this project wasn't like that. I still procrastinated (I mean...of course...) - but I didn't mind doing the work.

This class has already allowed me to converse on a much better level with my friends from other branches of Christianity. It's a shame I can't go to class next week - they're looking at the Reformed family.

On serving...

I've wanted to process the church's lastest "emphasis" for a while - but now that it's somewhat over I'm able to step back and take it in easier. The idea? The Church Has Left the Building. Re-looking at what it means to BE the church - in particular, how part of the worship of our church needs to be a visible reflection of Christ in our community.

So we took breakfast to teachers. We read to kids at schools. We washed cars for free and picked up trash. We encouraged everyone to invest in the lives of others - just for the sake of loving and caring for them. We try to actually get to know our neighbors. We hosted a really fun movie on the lawn/carnival last Friday (picture above).
I expected to hear words of thanks from the people we served...and we did. However, what has been more surprising is the words of thanks from the people who had the chance to serve. Isn't that funny? We serve others - but we are the ones who change the most.

I really enjoyed getting "out of the building." I've known for a while that I need to do it more. I spend so much of my time at work (church) or school (seminary) - that it can be stifling. In little steps - but intentionally - this has to change.

I just have to say - I have never been so excited about what God's teaching us as a church. It's nothing new - we're just starting to "get it" a bit better. I don't know what's next with this group of people called the church - but I am so glad to be a part of it.

Ready? Okay! 2 3 4...

Saw Sufjan Stevens and the Illinoisemakers in St. Louis last night.
What a FUN show!
The whole show had a pep rally theme - all the musicians in cheerleading outfits (with big block I's on the front of course), cheers for the introduction of several songs, spirit fingers, and a human pyramid. It was a riot! I was especially amazed at the musicianship and teamwork this group had. There was lots of jumping from instrument to instrument throughout the show.
I've only listened to the "Illinois" album for a few weeks now, but I loved the energy that the live performances brought to the songs.
"They are Night Zombies..." was probably my favorite.
That and the random guy who yelled, "I love Polish people!!" after "Casmir Pulaski Day."
So, thanks to my brother for introducing me to Sufjan and encouraging me to go see him live.

Music is her food

My iPod has been working for a week and a half now - and it is my new best friend. I've been rediscovering all of my music that used to sit around lonely and unloved -- and now listening to it again is like catching up with an old friend. Maybe I can't travel - but I can really escape in music. Am I melodramatic? Hah.

Anyways...here's a few of my old friends:

• Dumb (but fun!) pop music - EnVogue, Destiny's Child, and others too embarrassing to share...
• My piano playing friends - Stevie and Billy (Wonder and Joel, that is)
• Beethoven's 7th Symphony
• Sarah McLachlan
• Musicals - Godspell Prologue, Lion King soundtrack
• Caedmon's Call Guild CDs....especially the sound check from Guild 3 and their cover of "In God's Country"

And some new friends too!:

• Over the Rhine
• Robbie Seay Band
• The Normals - "Grace"

Don't bother me when my headphones are on.

Rejoice with those who rejoice - mourn with those who mourn?

I had a rough Sunday a few days ago. I had a crisis of faith of sorts. Not so much of what I believe - but how I practice it (especially as a leader). Fortunately I've been able to process it with some good friends - to whom I am very grateful. But I'd like to put a few thoughts on here to remind myself of what God's teaching me.

The basic issue is the problem of pain - which is nothing new - but this week I couldn't ignore it.
I'm not naive enough to think that people don't suffer or question every week. And yet on Sunday we come together to sing songs about who God is and what He has done...and this is often from a very comfortable/happy mindset. But not last Sunday...

So over the past week -
The hurricane tragedy surrounded everyone - which is a national/global/human tragedy.
But the thing that got to me most: A young, strong, healthy 21-year old guy from church gets a surprising and devastating diagnosis with little warning or hope - and he and his family are in church.

As I walked out to lead the body in songs of praise - my heart was so heavy as I saw this family and especially this kid. I have NO idea what they're experiencing - doubt, anger, pain,...
And I sang,

"Forever God is faithful, forever God is strong...."

"And right now in the good times and bad - You are on Your throne and You are God alone"

"I know for sure all of my days are held in Your hand, crafted into Your perfect plan"

- and I know all of those things are true.
But it was not comforting - it actually made me want to grieve.

My brother and sister were home from college - so we all ate lunch together. As my dad thanked God for our home, our food, and our health - and prayed for those who did not have some of those things - I lost it. (Meaning, I went to the bathroom - and bawled.)

I know all the right answers about worshipping God despite circumstances. But I think I had a moment that Melissa has told me about that I've not had often.
Come soon, Jesus. This world hurts and we want to be with you. You promised there will be a day when there won't be any more pain or sorrow. Let it be very soon - as You always intended it to be.
Forgive me for forgetting where I am - and what You've told me about that.

Then, yesterday, I got an email with a video based on Psalm 137 - images from the hurricane and a song called, "Don't Make Us Sing This." I'm there. And I'm not the first or last person to feel that way.
(If you go this site you can request a free download - it's Music Video 2. It's by Waterdeep's Lori Chaffer.)
http://theworkofthepeople.com/
It's okay to mourn - and yet have faith.

The Marinator

I've been to Chambana twice in the last week and a half. Highly unusual. I've enjoyed it - but most of it was shopping in downtown Champaign. I want to go back when I can wander on my own and possibly connect with some old friends.

This is a pic of Mary with her Marching Illini hat. She cracks me up.

I love that town - but things change so fast there - it's inevitable nostalgia/reality check. Mary says I'm just old.
I hope to make it to a football game this year. Had to turn down tickets for this Saturday's game b/c I'll be at a wedding. As I'm typing this - "What is Hip" by the MI came up on iTunes.

I love campus in the fall.

a little perspective

Worth your time to watch: http://www.worldonfire.ca/
(Sarah McLachlan - "World on Fire" video)

I found this interesting in light of an email I saw today - from someone who asked why the church spends so much money on buildings for themselves and things within the U.S. - and seems to ignore world poverty and hunger.

It's a good question. We can't claim ignorance.
What should ministry here in America look like in light of the world?
What's my role in all of that?

Randoms from the Last Week

• I like the State Fair...especially when it doesn't feel like August. I went 2 nights in a row last week with lots of fun people. Highlights: watching random people dance in the Twilight Ballroom and going on rides w/ friends' kids. Yeah, Tilt-o-whirl!
• I have been feeling un-cool somewhat regularly. I've traditionally been okay with that - but every now and then I have junior high/high school thoughts about needing to "fit in." But at the end of the day, I'm pretty comfortable with who I am - whether that's "cool" or not.
• I had an AWESOME "sisters day" last Friday - despite driving all over the eastern part of Illinois. I love shopping in downtown Champaign - makes me feel millions of miles away from Spfld. Best part - Mary finding the Marching Illini hat and then wearing for the rest of the day (pictures may be available later).
• I had an older sister moment on Friday - leaving Bekah at her dorm (on only her second day of being at college). I remember that first year and being alone - just praying it goes well for her. However...she is SO much cooler than me!
• I wonder if being a girl (woman - whatever) in ministry leadership will get easier with age. I know I'm pretty lucky to live in 2005 - and that I'm blessed with many opportunities - but it can still be frustrating (sing it with me, "Oh I'm just a girl - what's my destiny? What I've succombed to is making me numb. Ooooooooh - I've had it up to here!")
• To bring some balance - I've been really excited about being part of the Church lately - and really have been enjoying my role in all of that.
• This is the last week of summer - better make it count.

Google....genius.

Oh.my.goodness.
I am really amused at myself right now!

Earlier this week I wanted lyrics and songs from an old UBC Band song (a.k.a. the David Crowder Band) - "Break My Heart".
I looked - rather hard I thought. Couldn't find a thing. Found lots of lyrics for Toni Braxton's "Unbreak my Heart" though.

Anyways,
Here's an email dialogue from this week:


On Aug 15, 2005, at 1:18 PM, Bethany wrote:
> Below is the result of your feedback form. It was submitted by
> Bethany on Mon 08/15/2005 14:18
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> -
>
> comments: I'm looking for lyrics and/or chords to an old UBC song
> "Break My Heart." Any info you could provide would be MOST
> appreciated. Thanks!
>

And then today I get this:

-----Original Message-----
From: Jack Parker
Sent: Tuesday, August 16, 2005 1:55 PM
To: Bethany
Subject: Re: Song Information
bethany
did you try a google search?
jack

And I was like - DUDE - Jack Parker emailed me!!! (He's in the band - he cowrote "You Alone")
And then I thought - of course I looked at google.
I started to reply, but then thought I'd do one more search just in case.
I pulled up google and didn't even have to type in the search items - they were still in my history.
What do you think I found? (On the FIRST page of results!!)
Yep - lyrics AND chords. Doh.

So I sent Mr. Parker a thankful (and probably stupid) email.

Just call me Captain Obvious - and call me weirdly star-struck.

Ditto what he said

Just read a really good post by Andrew Osenga on the topic of being a Christian who writes music in the midst of a Christian subculture. Here it is: The Third Commandment. I think he does a pretty good job of keeping personal responsibility in the forefront - but still adds something unique to this whole issue. It makes me grateful to see people who are committed to the Gospel - but not overly cynical either.

I want to be a person of depth...

...spiritually
...artistically
...relationally
...intellectually

And yet I *constantly* struggle with investing the time and energy.

I struggle because I want to be that way NOW. But I know that nothing happens overnight.

I struggle because I want it to be in ways that other people notice. But I know that the internal matters SO much more than the external.

I struggle because the everyday tasks often seem more pressing than the larger, underlying need to grow...to slow down...and keep priorities in order.

And here's the other thing. I do a lot of talking or thinking about this...but very little actual doing. Typical Bethany.

And so, month by month, week by week, and day by day...
I have to be about the things of substance, the things of value.

"Save me from those things that might distract me. Please take them away and purify my heart. I don't want to lose the eternal for the things that are passing. Cause what will I have when the world is gone if it isn't for the love that goes on and on - You're my One Thing." -rm

Breaking News for My Non-Existant Readers

Derek Webb has a podcast available on iTunes. The first segment doesn't have any music - but he tells the story of how he joined Caedmon's Call...and then some info on his upcoming album ("Mockingbird" I think). I listened to it today (on my computer - not on my ipod because - well - nevermind). Yup.

Less than Love

It's a lonely world
And everybody's grabbing what they can get
and love is wonderful you've heard
You don't know if you've seen it yet
You can't miss it when it comes
Don't settle for less than love

-The Normals

Ipod: 3 Bethany: -5

I am not cool.

I can't figure out how to sync my ipod.

And it makes me mad.

I'm so cool

I just got an ipod.

I think I could fill it up really quickly if I'm not careful.