Monday Randomness

(I noticed that this isn't the first time I've used that title. I could make it a regular event...)

• Small Groups Conference came and went...and pretty smoothly at that. Small groups are an interesting thing. A few take-aways: hearing some cool stories from friends about when small groups are at their best, getting to spend time with church people from around the area, being very proud of my best friend, and being challenged to invest in people more.
• The big paper has been submitted. Feels pretty good. I still have to do a few other school-related projects, but having that one checked off is nice. I hope to spend much less time at the church after 10pm now - it gets really spooky.
• To continue the theme of TV shows that cause emotional reactions, I would like to share the following t-shirt design (which is pretty much amazing):

It's so hard to see when my eyes are on me

Quick post (I shouldn't be doing this right now - but I'm so distractable!)

2 things:

1 - Had a weird thing with my right eye today. My allergies are around because it's so pretty and springy outside. I'm used to this. What I'm NOT used to is having a large bump form on my right eye. Not on the lid. On my eyeball. It was really weird, and after a quick call to my mom (she's a nurse, see) I decided to run to get it checked out. Fortunately, it is not a big deal - I have eye drops and my vision is still going strong.

2 - I am amazed at the way I continue to be really concerned with what other people think. Seems like I have to fight the self-centered battle every day. But my prayer is really that in the things I do that God would be magnified - and that I could just get out of the way.

If I start to cry

Apparently stress not only makes me want to eat ice cream, it also makes me slightly emotional.

Exhibit A:

A conversation over dinner

Me: So I was watching Extreme Home Makeover while I ate dinner last night, and I cried.

Friend: Really? Why?

Me: It was really moving. I always cry at that show - even when I say I won't.

Friend: Like, REAL tears, crying?

Me: I said I cried.

Friend: I don't remember the last time I cried at a TV show. Maybe the finale of The Wonder Years.

Me: OH MY GOSH! I remember that episode! It was so sad - the narrator voice talked about what happened to each character as they grew up. And Kevin and Winnie never did end up together...

Friend: Are you crying?

Me: Ummm....

Friend: (silence)

Me: We can talk about something besides TV.

Friend: Okay.

(Hat tip to Kari's Mike & Kari dialogue series)

A Hymn for Holy Week

Go to Dark Gethsemane - James Montgomery

Go to dark Gethsemane, you that feel the tempter's power;
Your Redeemer's conflict see, Watch with him one bitter hour.
Turn not from his griefs away; learn of Jesus Christ to pray.

See Him at the judgment hall, beaten, bound, reviled, arraigned;
O the worm-wood and the Gall! O the pangs his soul sustained!
Shun not suffering, shame or loss; learn of Christ to bear the cross.

Calvary's mournful mountain clumb; there, adoring at His feet,
Mark that miracle of time, God's own sacrifice complete.
"It is finished!" hear Him cry; learn of Jesus Christ to die.

Early hasten to the tomb where they laid his breathless clay;
All is solitude and gloom. Who has taken him away?
Christ is risen! He meets our eyes; Savior, teach us so to rise.

Lots of gospels...

I have been teased for reading Christianity Today online.
It's okay - I can take it.

Their weblog has had lots of stuff about the Gospel of Judas stuff that's been all the buzz lately. I have to admit, I was talking out loud to the newspeople on TV when they started calling it a document that could "shake the foundations of Christianity" and tell the story of Jesus from another perspective. Things I may (or may not) have shouted back could include: "This isn't really new information," "People have had jacked up ideas about that for a LONG TIME - it's called G-NOS-TI-CISM (say it with me now)," "300AD? THREE HUNDRED AD??" and my favorite, "Nuh-uh!" That, ladies and gentleman, is what a little bit of seminary gets you - a strong, though still somewhat naive, opinion. For a kinda funny, satirical look at the whole hoopla, check out the internet monk.

In their weblog today, CT has a bunch of links to different conversations and whatnot related to the whole thing. There's some commentary amongst the links, too.

However, the last part of their commentary was especially interesting:
"If you want to be really cool, though, tell your friends about a little-known document that's even more amazing than the Gospel of Judas. It's called the Epistle of Judas, and it makes some pretty wild claims. First, the document is reportedly older than almost any New Testament book, and it draws heavily upon non-canonical Jewish literature. It includes some odd stories like the archangel Michael fighting with the Devil over a corpse, and quite a bit of discussion about sexual indulgence. Unlike most New Testament books, the Epistle of Judas appears to be written in Judea itself. The book makes the dramatic claim that its author, Judas, was the brother of the apostle James (the first leader of the church). Judas apparently makes a subtle claim that he's Jesus' brother, too.

This Epistle of Judas includes some advice that may be applicable for those frustrated with all the hype over the much-later Gospel of Judas. "Have mercy on those who doubt," Judas wrote. "Save others by snatching them out of the fire; to others show mercy with fear, hating even the garment stained by the flesh."*"

They have stuff on christianitytoday.com about other stuff too - like living the resuurection (but who would be nerdy enough to get really excited about stuff like that?).

In current (consistent) rotation

(This is a review I wrote for our church's young adult e-newsletter. If you're subscribed to The Know, that was your spoiler warning. I don't know if it does the album justice, but it's the best I could come up with. When I get enamoured with a CD I want to listen to it again and again...and then I want to share it with everyone I think would appreciate it. So it's fun to be able to review an album I feel that way about. Although I'd much rather take a drive with you while playing and talking about the songs. However, since I can't...)

The Far Country – Andrew Peterson, 2005

Andrew Peterson just might be one of the best Christian artists you’ve never heard of. While his distinct voice takes some warming-up to, his songwriting abilities are very solid, and he is definitely worthy of the many comparisons to Rich Mullins that have been made by various reviewers. His 2004 Christmas CD, Behold the Lamb of God, ranks as one of my personal all-time favorite CDs. (If you’ve never heard me rave about this CD, ask me sometime; just make sure you have about a half hour to spare. It’s amazing. Go buy it. No, really!) Peterson always manages to combine thoughtful lyrics with acoustic, organic music.

Peterson describes his latest album, The Far Country, as “a joyful album about death.” While this sounds potentially contradictory, AP explores topics like death and heaven with honesty and quite a bit of hope. The overall message of the album is this: We are living in the far country; heaven is our real home. One of the stand-out tracks for me is “Lay Me Down,” which makes statements like, “When you lay me down to die I’ll miss my boys, I’ll miss my girls; lay me down and let me say goodbye to this world. You can lay me anywhere, oh but just remember this: when you lay me down to die, you lay me down to live.”

The musical style of the album as a whole is upbeat, even when dealing with serious themes. Peterson stays true to his acoustic sound (guitars, harmonies, and an occasional hammered dulcimer) that has served him well for many albums. However, several tracks (most noticeably the title track) groove with a bit more driving electric sound.

Though the majority of the songs stay within the overall theme of life after death, Peterson offers several solid songs on other topics. “Little Boy Heart Alive” celebrates the child-like wonder of Peterson’s sons with lots of literary and spiritual allusions. “For the Love of God” is a song about marriage written for the wedding of a friend who was notoriously bad at relationships. “Mystery of Mercy,” originally recorded by Caedmon’s Call (though written by AP), sings about the grace of God that goes far beyond what we deserve or understand.

Lyrics for the whole album, as well as several music clips, can be found at Andrew Peterson’s website.
For a review (by a real music reviewer) from Christianity Today, click here (The Far Country was also named as one of Christianity Today’s top albums of 2005). [Why do I feel like Reading Rainbow right now? “But you don’t have to take MY word for it…”]

As I have listened to this album over the past month, I have found a great deal of comfort and a widened perspective. While life has its challenges, because of Christ we can have a hope that goes beyond what we can see.
As AP sings on “More”:
“There is more
More than all this pain
More than all the falling down
And the getting up again
There is more
More than we can see
From our tiny vantage point
In this vast eternity
There is more.”

Life (and death) perspective

It's interesting how sometimes when I'm most frustrated with school - and the seemingly impractical nature of studying the things I do, I get surprised at how much I need to hear the very things I'm studying.

Some context:
I've been pondering death a bit lately. It's been a reality for some people around me - in some painful ways. Funerals, especially for the young, are never easy.
I've been listening to Andrew Peterson's newest album, "The Far Country," to try to write a review of it; it's mostly about death. (Fortunately, that album has been a huge comfort to me.)
And I've been working hard on my paper on the Resurrection - and why it's important for us as Christians to talk (and sing) about it on a regular basis.

And in the process of all that - I think that I'm being shaped.
Tonight - in a surprising place (Alexander Campbell's hymnal) - I found so many songs that articulated all of these thoughts that have been spinning in my head. I think we need more songs like this to sing.
Here's one (I apologize, I can't find the author.):

"WHEN we the sacred grave survey
In which our Saviour deign'd to lie,
We see fulfill'd what prophets say,
And all the power of death defy.

This empty tomb shall now proclaim
How weak the bands of conquer'd death;
Sure pledge that all who trust his name,
Shall rise, and draw immortal breath.

Our Surety freed declares us free,
For whose offences he was seiz'd;
In his release our own we see,
And joy to view Jehovah pleas'd.

Jesus, once number'd with the dead,
Unseals his eyes to sleep no more;
And ever lives their cause to plead,
For whom the pains of death he bore.

Then, tho' in dust we lay our head,
Yet, gracious God, thou wilt not leave
Our flesh for ever with the dead,
Nor lose thy children in the grave."

Monday Randomness

• The reading from Daily Hours included Mary's Magnificat (her song from Luke's gospel) this morning - apparently on March 25th, the church celebrates the angel appearing to her - 9 months before we celebrate Christmas. Kinda neat methinks...
• I had an oil leak in my car from Friday afternoon until this morning. If anyone wanted to stalk me, they could trace a path from my driveway to church. Of course, if anyone were stalking me, those aren't exactly secret locations. (Don't worry, I got it fixed.)
• I wish Rich Mullins were still around writing music.
• I have very encouraging...and patient friends - for which I am extremely grateful. I also have a random encourager here in the office who left this note for me on the dry-erase board outside my office:

A few wicked pics...

Just got the pictures from last Friday's trip - here are a few highlights:

That giant sucking sound isn't another tornado...

...It's the sound of the Big 10's performance in this year's NCAA Tournament.

And that's a shame. Especially my beloved Illini.

I love March Madness: hearing the brackets be announced, filling out brackets for different pools (I ALWAYS pick Illinois to win it all - always), and then watching the first few days of games when teams (especially the underdogs) play with their hearts and hopes on the line. (Go Bradley! And go whatever little school beat UNC! And the team that beat Tennessee...oh yeah, Wichita State!)

And I've been an Illini fan long enough to know how to handle defeat - but some losses are harder than others. I have been known to hold grudges against the teams that knock us out of the tournament (Florida, Kansas, Arizona...). Unfortunately our recent loss to Washington started to remind me of the Elite 8 game in 2001 (the game I refer to as, "the game of which I will not speak"). I tried not to think about it while the game was in progress, it's just hard when it's almost like deja vu. I just have one thing to say: foul trouble is the worst kind of trouble for a Big 10 team in the tournament.

Another level of sadness is saying goodbye to the seniors - it always comes too soon. This year it's especially hard to say goodbye to Dee Brown - one of the most dynamic players Illinois has had in a long time. Not only did I hate that we lost so soon - but I hate for his last college ball experience to be a missed 3-point shot. Dee, thanks for playing 4 years of college ball, thanks for your leadership and energy, and thanks for bringing so much positive press and attention to the Illinois program.

(Happy Illini bball memories here)

This is cheesy - but whatever:

Hail to the orange - hail to the blue
Hail alma mater
Ever so true (so true)
We love no other so let our motto be:
Victory, Illinois! Varsity!

It's all grand, and it's all GREEN!

No, I'm not Irish. But I am LOVING St. Patrick's Day...

I don't know why I use holidays as mile-markers...but it is interesting to use them to see what was going on a year ago (or 2 or 3 or...).

In 2005, a group of us spent a day from our Brooklyn mission trip sight-seeing in Manhattan. I love the city - and that day is a fun memory to look back on:

This is one of my very favorite pictures of one of my very favorite people (on the Staten Island Ferry, no less):















And then in 2006, I was lucky enough to spend one short day in the Windy City with another favorite person.
We were lucky to have pretty nice weather - and we had a GREAT time.
There was:

• Some exploring of downtown (Millenium Park mainly)
• A long windy walk to Navy Pier
• Looking at stained glass (and avoiding Jehovah's Witnesses!)
• Eating ice cream
• The buying of Cubs t-shirts
• Browsing at Borders (one of my most favorite things ever)
• And of course - the Wonderful Wicked.

The show was really great - I may attempt more coherent thoughts on that sometime later. I'm still buzzing from it right now. I also borrowed a camera yesterday, so hopefully I'll have some pictures soon.

I say spending St. Pat's in a BIG city is the way to go...

Everything's the same - except not....

Life's been a little weird lately. Lots of hard things happening around me - to people I love - and it's HARD stuff. And I don't know that I handle it well. I don't know what to say - or what to do. But I can't separate myself from it either - I feel things deeply. And in the midst of all the "stuff" - life seems to go on as normal. Even with something like the tornadoes we had - my house is fine, my car is unscratched, I had power 6 hours later, and I don't have a curfew in my neighborhood. And I have posted the struggle I have [see 9/06/05 entry] before - when you realize that literally every day someone is hurting or struggling - how do you deal with that honestly without slipping down into despair?

I was reading last night from a "seminary" book - and the author quoted this song. Different verses were written in different times throughout history when the various authors faced trials (from the Civil War to the Cold War). Then he mentioned that his favorite version was sung by Eva Cassidy - who sings it soulfully & triumphantly - even though she was in the middle of fighting the cancer that eventually took her life. And somehow - reading it last night - I wanted to sing along:

My life goes on in endless song, above earth's lamentations
I hear the real, though far-off hymn, that hails a new creation
Above the tumult and the strife, I hear its music ringing
It sounds an echo in my soul - how can I keep from singing?

When tyrants tremble, sick with fear, and hear their death-knell ringing
When friends rejoice both far and near - how can I keep from singing?
In prison cell and dungeon vile our thoughts to them are winging
When friends by shame are undefiled - how can I keep from singing?

What though my joys and comforts die, the Lord my Savior liveth
And though the darkness round me close, songs in the night He giveth
No storm can shake my inmost calm while to that Rock I'm clinging
Since Christ is Lord of heaven and earth - how can I keep from singing?

(Credit Reggie Kidd, With One Voice - Discovering Christ's Song in Our Worship)

A picture's worth....something, right?

Partly because my brain is fried...

and partly in keeping with the theme of my class from last week (where I learned about multiple forms of communication in worship)...

I would like to sum up my last week in a few pictures:




















And since I'm probably about the only one that this makes sense to - it just goes to show you images can't completely stand alone....

Retrospective

It's now officially March (breaking news, I know)...

and I believe my blog is going to suffer for it. While I'd like to be really thoughtful, insightful, and artistic - I am feeling more disjointed than anything else, lately.

In the next few months and weeks, there is much to do and much to look forward to:

• A week intensive class up north with some really cool worship students
• Quick trips to Indy (maybe) and Chicago, and the viewing of musical productions from the high school to professional level
• The Easter presentations (help us all)
• Easter Sunday (oh my)
• Small Groups Conference (pressure pressure pressure)
• The due date for my really big and scary paper (AAAAHHH pressure pressure pressure)
• GRADUATION (have mercy)

And I'll try to update or reflect on the interesting things - but in the meantime, I'm sure you're wondering why I titled this post "retrospective" if I was just going to look ahead.

Well I wanted to share some noteworthy events from this week. So here they are (with my commentary, of course):

• Getting a voicemail from Phil of the UIUC Black Chorus singing. Best voicemail I've gotten in a long time.
• Seeing people from my small group handle tough things with grace - and seeing a church community come and support each other - it's hard but there is hope.
• Ash Wednesday service with Kara downtown over our lunch. ("Remember you are dust, and to dust you will return.") I also liked the concluding prayer: "As we go, we go with both the sign of our mortality and of the Grace of God. Go faithfully and hopefully in this sign. Go out into the world to make this news known, Jesus Christ has set us free. We are forgiven and made new in the cross of Christ. The Lord bless you now and forever."
• The charge for the parking garage was 50 cents. I had a $20. The parking attendant guy said I was nuts. I look around in my purse and come up with $.35 - he's unimpressed. He tells me TWICE to bring him 15 cents sometime. (Suuuuure)
• Car ride with BB - both of us talking - both of us listening. Good deal. Oh and Sonic drinks too.
• I think that lately my hair looks better in a ponytail than down. Though it probably makes me look "young" - I don't care...
• Lessons were learned as I bid farewell to Plan A, agonized over Plan B's demise, and then dragged a friend into Plan C. (Thanks for your help, anyways...) Plan D will come tomorrow.
• I am blessed beyond what I even can understand - let alone beyond what I consider on a regular basis. I pray that I'm faithful with what I've been given...

an itch you can't scratch

I know this about myself - but I'm realizing it again lately: I have to travel. Seeing someplace new, or someplace "different" energizes me. I love to explore (and I'm really good with maps!), and I love experiencing someplace with all the senses (the taste of local food, the way the ocean smells, hearing the sounds of the city, the way the wind feels in Boston). I love finding out stories about the places I'm visiting (which means I should read more). Maybe it's my creative/artsy side - but I feel very ALIVE when I travel. Central Illinois is great for what it is - but it's not always the most stimulating place...

I definitely took advantage of traveling opportunities in college (though I regret the lack of a long trip to Europe). And now that I'm a "grown-up" it seems so much harder to get away. Part of that is having a full-time job and needing to be here for most of the Sundays. Another part of it is finding someone who I can travel with (but I don't want that to hold me back). I just don't like the idea of going somewhere by myself - I experience life best in community!! (I'll admit - I'm picky about this aspect to a certain point.) And part of it is $$$ - but soon I will graduate from school. So I think 2006 needs to have at least 1 good trip.

Weekend trips to big cities in the Midwest or Allerton Park help...but I'd really like to be any of these places right about now (or soon - I'm not picky):




Man - I love this bridge, and I can't explain why...
I need a good CITY trip.








Europe beckons frequently (though I have never answered)
I want to see a real cathedral someday







Santa Barbara Mission - so beautiful...






Last year the only cool place I went was Brooklyn (for a mission trip) - and I let some of my vacation days expire. NOT cool.

I have GOT to get on top of my vacation plan this year. Where should I go??

The pendulum swings...

I told Kara on the phone last night that I'm a recovering legalist. I've known this for quite some time. I gave her some background, but basically here's what you need to know: I came to the realization early in college that despite my understanding that faith does NOT come through works, I was constantly evaluating my standing with God on very works-based things. This is not an uncommon practice (you've heard of people imagining God with a big tally sheet making checks in a "good" column and a "bad" column) - and I thought I knew better.

Then very early in my freshman year of college I had a random encounter with a Campus Crusade staff member. I didn't know her very well, but she met with me and asked me - out of the blue - to give her a percentage of how certain I was that if I died that night that I would go to heaven. And I thought about it. A variety of things went running through my head - thoughts about how infrequent my quiet time was - amazement at her boldness in asking me this - and then she stopped me. She said, "You know, you can know for sure." At the time I didn't realize that this was a common CRU tactic - I was just stunned at my own thought process. Where did I get confused about God's grace?

I could point to the fact that I grew up very "churched" - between church itself and going to a Christian school from kindergarten through 8th grade. I know lots of Bible stuff. I could point to the heavy emphasis that there was on having a daily "quiet time" in high school. Even though I wasn't sure how exactly how to do it, I knew that I wasn't really doing well if I was inconsistent with it.

And there's that word - consistency. I used to pray for it. I asked other people to pray that I would have it. Thing is, that never really helped me be more consistent. Then I heard a teacher (can't remember where) say that consistency is a false virtue. It's not valuable in and of itself - it's a way to do something, but not the thing itself. Now - I don't think consistency is a bad thing per se - but I don't think it was healthy for me to focus on it as much as I did. It definitely wasn't healthy to continue to beat myself up over my repeated inconsistency with spiritual practices. It for sure didn't bring me any closer to God.

I read Brennan Manning's The Ragamuffin Gospel for the first time in college. I've probably read it 3 times since then. It's been a huge part of my recovery process (from legalism, that is). I've heard people say on more than one occasion that he's repetitive - and that all his writings are the same: "Grace, grace, we're loved, we're loved, blah, blah." And this tends to be my articulate response: "BUT DO YOU UNDERSTAND IT? I don't. I need to keep hearing it." The yelling helps.

In a Christian Ed class last year, a prof said that sometimes books are beneficial in the way that they notice how far the pendulum has swung in one direction - so it tries to be corrective in another direction. Brennan is that way for me. I was looking for something work-related yesterday and got out The Ragamuffin Gospel and looked through my markings (I'm a book-marker).

I just wanted to share these musings, because talking it through with Kara last night was one of the times I've been able to articulate it best. And then I wanted to share just a bit from Ragamuffin Gospel. (It's from the chapter called, "The Victorious Limp.")
And I just realized the quote I'm going to use is from someone else - Lloyd Ogilvie.

"Peter had built his whole relationship with Jesus Christ on his assumed capacity to be adequate. That's why he took his denial of the Lord so hard. His strength, loyalty, and faithfulness were his self-generated assests of discipleship. The fallacy in Peter's mind was this: he believed his relationship was dependent on his consistency in producing the qualities he thought had earned him the Lord's approval. [in my book I underlined this & wrote "wow"]

"Many of us face the same problem. We project into the Lord our own measured standard of acceptance. Our whole understanding of him is based in a quid pro quo of bartered love. He will love us if we are good, moral, and diligent. But we have turned the tables; we try to live so that he will love us, rather than living because he has already loved us."

(I don't think that this gives us license to do whatever we want. I think that this kind of love should compell us. And I think our (my) disobedience might be more out of the fact that we (I) don't understand His love.)

So pray for my recovery...

I can be objective - HONEST!

So I'm going to attempt to review a soon-to-be-released album by one of my favorite bands - Caedmon's Call. I got a pre-release of their newest album, "In the Company of Angels II - The World Will Sing," because they had a deal where worship pastors could preview it. I got it about a week ago and listened to it here and there - but today I sat down with pen and paper to listen INTENTLY to it!

The main things to know about this: it's a worship album. They had one out a few years back that I thought was pretty good. They definitely have some common influence with the Indelible Grace group that re-does old (and often unfamiliar) hymn texts. They also have 3 main vocalists: Cliff Young, Danielle Young, and Andrew Osenga. Cliff sings most of the songs - Danielle and Andy sing 2 apiece. They have a wide variety of songwriters - and my pre-release doesn't give song credits unfortunately. I had expected (because of the subtitle "the world will sing" and because of their previous world-music influenced album) that this album would have lots of ethnic influences - musically and lyrically. That's not the case...for better or worse.

So my overall review: I would put this on a similar level as their previous worship album - it's a good worship album (though I doubt it will be one of my all-time favorites) but it's not on as high of a level as many other Caedmon's albums. However, there are a handfull of really good songs - so I'm glad for those. As a part of the pre-release I was asked to consider how usable the songs are for corporate worship (which is already a primary criteria in my head) - but know that a lot of the review will tilt that way.

Thumbs up:

• The lyrical content is really good. There is lots of substance and depth - without being overly wordy. The themes addressed are ones that are often overlooked in worship songs: Christ's redemptive acts - and what they mean for us, the corporate dimension of Christian worship (more than just me & Jesus), being honest about pain and suffering and putting it in perspective, etc. Lyrically speaking, there is not a bad track on this album.
• I'm almost always a fan of re-done hymns - though it can be tricky to mess with the ones that are really well-known. Draw Me Nearer does the best job with this.
• Andrew Osenga and Danielle Young - the songs that they sing on this album are my favorites. While I've always been drawn to songs Danielle sings (I'm self-centered, I admit, the girl songs are easier to sing) - this album makes me excited that Andy is a part of this band. More for his songwriting than anything else. I loved his songs on Share the Well - and then I decided to buy some old albums from his former band, The Normals. His song, "The Story" from this album is AMAZING. More on it later.

Thumbs...sideways?:

• Cliff's voice - I have a harder time with it on this album for some reason. But I don't want to feel that way.

Thumbs down:

• There is very little that jumps out and GRABS me musically on this album. We could debate how important that is - but for me - I love it when an album draws me in. A few tracks here and then are really great, but overall it's going to be one that grows on me. I think it could... This is Caedmon's Call - and I expect fun driving guitars, really fun percussion, and really fun harmonies (I NEED FUN, dangit)...or I expect experimentation. And there are just a good number of tracks that sound like they would fit right in on Christian radio (and that's all I'll say about that).

Stand-out tracks (with selections of lyrics):

Draw Me Nearer - A re-working of a familiar hymn. The music is really nice - but the best part is an added bridge where Danielle sings (almost ad-libbing): "You draw me with Your mercy, You draw me with your love, You draw me with forgiveness by your blood, etc."

Rest Upon Us - I think that this song does a good job of expressing need - but calling out to God in specific ways, expressing faith(vs. I need you, I need you, I need you, etc.). A sample of the chorus: "Holy Spirit rest upon us, breath of God touch my soul, Come unfailing love of Jesus, rest upon us, rest upon us"

Fellowship - I love the content of the lyrics - the theme is really cool - singing together about Christ's redemption but then what that means for us as a community. I love the 2nd verse especially: "We can feel His love among us; We can sing redemption's songs; We can hear the Spirit call us to a place where we belong; For His joy is in our laughter and His comfort in our grief; His love here and ever after will be the language that we speak." This song is a great lyric/music combo - and could be singable...

Be Merciful to Me - love love love the SOUND of this song. The simple piano and the percussion - plus Danielle's soft vocals - it's great. The chorus is really simple and repetitive: "Be merciful to me, be merciful to me, through shadow dark and valley deep, be merciful to me" - though the repetition of "Be merciful to me" reminds me of repeating the traditional Kyrie/Christe Eleison phrases "Lord have mercy, Christ have mercy, Lord have mercy." I'm curious to see later how much of the lyrics here are original or if it's an old text.

The Story - THIS IS MY FAVORITE SONG EVER. (Sorry for the yelling) Well, I don't know about ever - but I really really like it. I'm probably tainted by my worship seminary brain - and while this isn't a corporate worship song - it's a REALLY good song. But there is something about needing to be reminded of the bigger picture - that Christ is victorious. Andy's songwriting is just really great. I'm going to share lots of lyrics - because I like them, and it's my blog and I can do what I want!

• Chorus: "Oh can tell me the story of all of Your glory,
  of Your rising again.
  Cause I'm in love with the mystery of how our sad history
  can turn out for good."
• 2nd verse: "And the bitter man is angry
  and the angry man just thinks he's right.
  Too right to see mercy -
  but he's standing in its light.
  We can shed tears over dying -
  we can rage & fight -
  but we cannot forget that we were loved before we opened up our eyes -
  such foolish pride"
• And the bridge - holy cow -
  "It's a shame to build our homes with bricks of fear and cynical stones.
  There is nothing left to run from, there is nothing left but..."

This is from my notes when I was listening through the album: "Andy O is the MAN"

And there you go - the album is released March 7th - and you should either buy it - or buy the top songs from iTunes. Thank you for reading...

Old thoughts re-pondered...

Today I was looking through some old notes in journals I've kept. Not personal journals (though I keep those too). These have sermon notes, notes from conferences, quotes I want to remember - that sort of thing.

I have realized something about myself: I take long amounts of time to really "get" certain concepts. You could say that ideas need to "marinate" - or that I'm a "slow learner." Doesn't really matter - but there were a couple things that I wanted to process here.

There's a certain worship scholar (Dr. Wwwwwhat's-his-name) that I have heard a lot from over the past 3 years. Some of that has been through books, some has been in person, and some has been through his influence on other people around me. He says some really good things (which I'm about to mention) - but he also has said a certain amount of things that confused/frustrated me (which will remain unnamed for now).
I have heard him teach twice in person over the past 2 years - and I was reviewing my notes from both of those. A couple things jumped out at me - but I'll share just one thing for the time being.

He was talking about how in early Christianity - people didn't only confess belief in Christ when they were baptized - they also verbally renounced Satan. I think the phrase was, "I renounce Satan and all his works" or something like that. (They also spit to emphasize the point. I love it.) It sounds rather funny at first.

But then he compared it to the traditional marriage vows. You know - the part that says - "and forsaking all others..." And that somehow doesn't seem as ridiculous. I mean - we're all for fidelity and faithfulness in marriage. (He BETTER forsake all others. Shoot.)

And I think there's a point to be made there.

We don't just accept Christ - we also reject Satan. And we reject his control on our life. And we reject sin. How often do we rest so much in grace that we betray the vow we made to accept Christ as Lord or act in a way that is unfaithful to that relationship?

This is all part of a larger thought I've had lately about sin - and how we rarely identify it in ourselves or call it what it is - SIN.

What do you think? How do you react to that idea?

Valentine's Day makes me sick

Okay - so today I'm sick. Blech. Whatever.

But it made me think. Last year this same time I was sick too (as in, the days immediately following Valentine's Day). The only reason I remember is I was supposed to play the horn for Spear's concert but had to back out at the last minute. I was going through some stuff the other day and found the note from the flowers he sent me (I'm a packrat. I confess it.). And the date on it was Feb 18th.

So - I wonder - does Valentine's Day make me sick?

And if so - what should I do next year??

I welcome your advice.

Without love whatever we do is worth nothing

From today's mid-day office readings:

The Prayer Appointed for the Week
O Lord, you have taught us that without love whatever we do is worth nothing: Send your Holy Spirit and pour into my heart your greatest gift, which is love, the true bond of peace and of all virtue, without which whoever lives is accounted dead before you. Grant this for the sake of your only Son Jesus Christ, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, now and for ever. Amen.

The Concluding Prayer of the Church
Almighty God, our heavenly Father, the privilege is ours to share in the loving, healing, reconciling mission of your Son Jesus Christ, our Lord, in this age and wherever we are. Since without you we can do no good thing:

May your Spirit make us wise;

May your Spirit guide us;

May your Spirit renew us;

May your Spirit strengthen us;

So that we will be:

Strong in faith,

Discerning in proclamation,

Courageous in witness,

Persistent in good deeds.

This we ask through the name of the Father.

Church of the Province of the West Indies

A total class act

A quick tribute to my all-time favorite Olympian, Michelle Kwan.

She dropped out of the Olympics yesterday [edit: Sunday], and I had two STRONG emotions: sadness and respect.

I have been a fan of Kwan's for a long time.
I'm not 100% sure why I always liked her. She's pretty close to my age, she has always carried herself with grace and humility, and I just enjoy watching her skate.

I remember being in 8th grade and watching her at the U.S. Nationals. It was the year of the Nancy Kerrigan/Tonya Harding mess - and Michelle skated really well. She ended up being the alternate for the Olympics that year. Her innocence in the middle of all the drama was striking.

Then I remember when she got the silver in Nagano my senior year of high school. I heard about it during a music rehearsal and I was SO bummed (and I repent of the nasty things I said about Tara Lipwhatshername).

My senior year of college I watched her fall in the long program in the '02 games. I do not repent of beating Fuzz with a slipper for making fun of her. That I stand by.

Am I sad Michelle never won Olympic gold? I'd be lying if I said I wasn't. However, I have to applaud her decision not to compete. She is still one of the best American figure skaters of all time (http://sports.espn.go.com/oly/winter06/figure/columns/story?id=2328132).

And I wrote this blog entry last night - but couldn't post it (Blogger was being dumb). Then today I saw that Kari blogged about it too (though more articulately). And there you have it.

Nerd Alert

A snapshot of my mind today:

• Should we pray Trinitarianly? I was pondering this yesterday as I addressed God as "Father" and wrapped up the prayer "in Jesus' Name." The Holy Spirit is missing in a lot of my spirituality. It's a similar question as "should we worship the Holy Spirit"? The answer probably involves some study.... Melissa said she knows someone who would open a prayer with, "Oh Holy Trinity..." Heh. And she also pointed out that we can pray in an awareness of the Spirit's presence and activity. Which I do sometimes - but overall the Spirit's power isn't something we talk about much - or see much. And then this whole thought brings me back to the Divine Hours & the Gloria prayer...
• Walking up the church stairs after lunch, I was glad that I'm not Catholic. I saw a communion wafer on the floor, and I was happy that I didn't have to eat it.

More Resurrection Talk

A few quotes that are wandering through my head after a Saturday in good ol' Lincoln:

“The gospels do not narrate the actual resurrection of Christ, but rather its discovery by Jesus’ disciples and his subsequent appearances to them. Thus the Resurrection retains that aura of mystery, the sense of the numinous, as an extraordinary manifestation of the power of God which cannot be encompassed by the grasp of the rational mind. To narrate the event itself would be to divest it of its gripping quality, just as artistic representations of it are unsuccessful.” - Richard C. Leonard
(don't you think numinous is a great word?!?)

“The third day he rose from the dead: this tells me nothing about me, but everything about God. The resurrection of Jesus is a mass of trumpets announcing that God is God, that Jesus really was the Messiah, that the Lord of the universe has just left a large signature on this planet, that inexplicable power resides in God’s arm, that God’s love triumphs over every dark for, even death itself. God is glorified. God be praised.” - James C. Howell
(When will we get that it's not about us?)

“I belong to the God whose first and finest achievement was an empty place.” - James C. Howell
(I am still processing his point here...it's a tough one)

Up from the grave He arose (He arose)

Okay - it's time for some audience participation. Or maybe audience pondering. Whatever.

(Though seeing how most people who read this blog are people I see in person - or who I've never met and are from a far-away country - this could be interesting.)

When I say "the resurrection" - what comes to mind?
Any thoughts, images, emotions?

How about this - how does the resurrection affect your relationship with God? How does it affect your worship of Him?

This may be a recurring topic in my life for the next few months, as I am likely writing a paper about how we should talk about the resurrection in our worship services.

And now I need to close all internet browsers and really type (the paper - it's just a blank Word document for now). But I am curious to hear any thoughts related....

And as He stands in victory - sin's curse has lost its grip on me...

Happy Thoughts

So my blog has become completely random. And that might be an accurate representation of my personality. While I do hope to add some thought with depth and insight in the near future - you are left with random thoughts that make me happy.

• Clean apartment - many thanks to the roommate
• Pickle - you complete me!
• It's a frickin CELINE DION MOUSEPAD. How cool is that?!?
• How can you not see people looking in your window? Yep - we're THAT stealth
• Acting 13...16...whatever
• Imo's on Mondays
• 2 phone calls from Phil in one day
• Text messages involving Robert Tilton and Music Man quotes (::swoon::)

This One's For the Girls....

You are killing all of my wonder. (KILLER!!)

Shortie got a job, shortie got a car, shortie can pay her own rent....I just want real love.

Different from the ones before - cause I know she loves the Lord - she's THAT kind of girl

And it's all your fault I screen my phone calls - no matter who calls I screen my phone calls

Forever and ever - you'll stay in my heart - and I will love you forever and ever...

Playing with matches, a girl can get BURNED. So bring me no ring, groom me no groom, find me no find, catch me no catch - unless he's a matchless match

Because I knew you - I have been changed for good

No matter what I'm wearin' I will always be Beeeeeethanyyyyyy

I could not love you any better, I love you just the way you are

I'd gladly give up my freedom - to be held in your captivity

When I am weak, unable to speak, still I can call You by name.

Could it be that He is only waiting there to see if I will learn to love the dreams that He has dreamed for me?

Oh, but you don't know what's coming. Don't you know the One who holds tomorrow?

Lord, I know if you change my mind, You will change my heart in time.

How deep the Father's love for us - how VAST beyond all measure.

You're beautiful the way you are.

My surroundings

This might say something about me - might not. I'm opening myself up for psychoanalysis!

Things on my Bulletin Board:

• Worship Schedules
• Staff phone directory
• Black and White old New York City calendar (I always get one of these from World Market - it lets me travel by turning my head. This month's is Grand Central Station - with the light pouring in. LOVE IT!)
• A flower made from popped balloons (from 40 Days of Purpose)
• Pictures from 3 weddings - Melissa, cousin Sarah, and Orange & Blue
• Estefani - my Compassion kid
• A card that says: "Pray for...Young Adult Ministry at West Side & Young Adults in the Community" from vision night #1 back in the day!
• A sticker that says, "I voted" (I had to beg for that...)
• A picture of Melissa and I in the infamous yellow office
• A picture from lunch at Granny's
• A birthday note from Phil (2003)
• A cross ornament from Spear
• The Beattitudes art from the first Gathering (which still looks awesome, Kara)
• A cartoon about lipstick that was given to me by a woman who was trying to win me over to her lipstick side (I still don't wear it)
• A small piece of paper where Melissa wrote her married name about 6 months before her wedding. I used to look at it to get used to it. I think it helped.
• An Illini basetball poster from the 2003-2004 season
• A cross-stitched piece from MaryAnn
• Phone numbers for people that I never called (mostly high school acquantances
• A dried red rose

Things on my Computer monitor:

• A pink piece of paper with Psalm 86:11-13 on it - Diane B. put it on there for the women's conference
• An index card that says: "Clarity of Mission flows from purity of worship" - I still don't know who said that...
• 2 fortune cookie fortunes (I LOVE fortune cookie fortunes): "You'll never know what you can do until you try" and "Your love life will be happy and harmonious."

So what do you think this says about me??

Hungry Girl

**Public service announcement**

I'd like to make a recommendation. If you visit the Hungry Girl website - you can sign up for daily emails with suggestions about eating healthy and exercise. But they're super-fun. They've got product reviews, tips for eating out, all kinds of fun things.

The end.

I love my job

Today was one of those days...and I just need to remember it - because I love my job:

• Great response from the artist yesterday - praise God... (and I'm amazed at the power of art...and of people surrendering their gifts in corporate worship)
• "I see orange and blue events in the future. Bad Mike..."
• Imo's is the new place for lunch...but don't tell too many people
• "What is that? Please make it stop!"
• "I Need You" - The Swift
• "Made for You" - Watermark
• The calypso Easter song...and lots of laughter

Mr. T

Facts about Mr. T:

• When Mr. T folds his arms, the U.S. Terror Alert Level is raised to gold.
• Every time a church bell rings, Mr. T pities a fool.
• Mr. T. does not break wind. He destroys it.
• Mr. T hates playing 'Rock Paper Scissors' because he doesn't believe anything could beat rock. He always chooses rock, and when someone throws paper, he says, "I win." If someone is foolish enough to dispute this, he takes his clenched fist and punches them in the face, then says, "I thought your paper would protect you."
• Children are afraid of the dark. Dark is afraid of Mr. T.
• Mr. T speaks only when necessary. His main form of communication is folding his arms and slowly shaking his head. And regardless of the situation, he is always understood.
• Mr. T pities fools because even fools deserve their daily dose of vitamin T.
• Mr. T doesn't pity anyone who likes the Black Eyed Peas. He just kills them.
• Mr T. and Chuck Norris decided to spar; they traveled to the only safe place in the Universe, the beginning of time. They bowed to each other and Chuck launched in with a roundhouse kick. Mr. T blocked it, and the resulting pressure wave is commonly called the Big Bang.
• Mr.T once punched Chuck Norris at the exact moment he roundhouse kicked Mr.T in the chest. The result was the 80's.
• Mr. T's chains are not made of gold, they are actually made of curium, one of the heaviest elements in existence. They were put there by the CIA to slow him down, and you're lucky they do, fool.
• Human females have two X chromosomes. Males have an X and a Y. Mr. T has three Ys and a T. He's more man than you'll ever be.
• When creating the alphabet, Mr. T placed the letters M, R, and T in separate areas so people could learn to read and spell without fear.
• Mr. T invented fools. Realizing the magnitude of his folly, he then created Pity.
• When Mr. T received his star on Hollywood's Walk of Fame, he made his hand prints after the cement was dry.
• Mr. T is not black. It's just that the sun is too afraid to shine on him.
• Mr. T coined the phrase, "I see dead people," after the waiting staff at Denny's forgot his birthday.
• Mr. T doesn't breathe, air just hides in his lungs for protection.
• Mr. T isn't afraid of flying, but God fears the consequences of letting him fall.
• Mr. T is the reason the sky is blue. Don't ask stupid questions.
• On the A-team, Face, Haniabal, and Murdoch were all masters of disguise. Mr T didn't have to wear a disguise. The bad guys didn't recognize him out of fear.
• There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because Mr. T is going to walk.
• Mr. T was once involved in a head-on car crash, and he was the only survivor. Mr. T was walking at the time.
• Mr. T doesn't need an ATM card. He just walks up to the machine, crosses his arms, stares at it, and money comes out.
• Mr. T puts the laughter in manslaughter.
• Mr. T always drives on the right side of the road, no matter where he is in the world.
• Mr. T's edition of the VH1 show 'Where Are They Now' was the shortest in the show's history. It was 10 seconds long, and consisted of a black screen with the words "Right Behind You" written on it.
• Mr. T made his van go twice the speed of light because he wanted to prove that quantum physics was a bunch of jibba jabba.

You can read all about it - about how boy meets girl and then...

Just found some online articles about the nature of Christian "dating" or whatever you want to call it - and thought I'd share. I like it when people can say things more articulately than I ever could.

The first is from Boundless (they tend towards the more conservative side - but pretty good nonetheless): http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0001200.cfm - "Not Your Buddy."

I've heard it said that it is difficult for men and women to be very good friends without at least one of them having interest in more. I think as a generalization, that's probably true. Anyways, I liked how this article calls out girls to go into friendships with guys with eyes open - rather than just seeing what they want to. He's just not that into you, right? However, I do think the roles could occasionally be reversed (the girl enjoying the attention with the guy hoping there's more).

The second is from ChristianityToday - and is co-written by 2 single Christians: http://www.christianitytoday.com/singles/newsletter/mind60111.html - "State of the Date"

It's been a few days since I read it - but I liked their honesty.

And now to finish the quote from the post title: "He screws the whole thing up...just like always" ;o)

Selections from tonight's compline

The Reading
"He comes to us as One unknown, without a name, as of old, by the lakeside, He came to those men who knew Him not. He speaks to us the same word: "Follow thou me!" and sets us the tasks which he has to fulfill for our time. He commands. And to those who obey Him, whether they be wise or simple, He will reveal Himself in the toils, the conflicts, the sufferings which they will pass through in his fellowship, and, as an ineffable mystery, they shall learn in their own experience Who He is." - Albert Schweitzer

The Small Verse
Into your hands, O Lord, I commend my spirit; for you have redeemed me, O Lord, O God of truth. Keep me, O Lord, as the apple of your eye; hide me under the shadow of your wings.

The Petition
Watch, O Lord, with those who wake, or watch, or weep tonight, and give Your angels and saints charge over those who sleep. Tend Your sick ones, O Lord Christ. Rest Your weary ones. Bless Your dying ones. Soothe Your suffering ones. Shield Your joyous ones, and all for Your love's sake. Amen.

SLACKER

Okay - This post is going to have whiny elements - so tune out if you don't want to hear any of that.

I want to be done with school. I've felt this at various other assorted times in my life - but I never meant it as much as I do right now. No more. Isn't it May already?
I don't have a good attitude about it. If I could express my most profound thoughts about school right now, it would be this: "Ughaughiwalgggnuwalgugh..."

And I really do want to make the most of my remaining time. I have a tendency to do "just enough" and have a "whatever it takes to get it done" rather than maximizing it. Finishing strong is what I'd like - but my heart is NOT in this right now...

So this post is just a snapshot of my temporary frustration - and hopefully someday (in the not-so-far future) I can look back and say, "Man, I'm glad I'm done with school."

And now - off to work on getting closer to May....

Patty

I got a Patty Griffin CD from my brother for Christmas. He always hooks me up with good music. While this album, Living With Ghosts, is the first one I've heard all the way through - I already knew one of her songs. {Kara - it's track 10 on your driving mix.}

(These lyrics aren't really indicative of anything in my life right now...just want to share them.)

Rain
It's hard to listen to a hard hard heart
Beating close to mine
Pounding up against the stone and steel
Walls that I won't climb
Sometimes a hurt is so deep deep deep
You think that you're gonna drown
Sometimes all I can do is weep weep weep
With all this rain falling down

Strange how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
But I'm holding on underneath this shroud
Rain

It's hard to know when to give up the fight
Some things you want will just never be right
It's never rained like it has to night before
Now I won't beg you baby
For something maybe you could never give
I'm not looking for the rest of your life
I just want another chance to live

Strange how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
But I'm holding on underneath this shroud
Rain

Strange how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
But I'm still in love underneath this shroud
Rain

Merci madame Kara

I don't speak French. In fact, I think it sounds funny.
But I'd like to give a brief "merci beaucoup" (or whatever) to my "amie", Kara.

• Merci pour your quotes from Henri Nouwen - makes me remember how much I like that book
• Merci pour the lovely candle - a totally random surprise
• Merci pour being the first person to hunt me down in cyberspace that I know in real life (at least that I know of...eek...)
• Merci pour that trip to Indy - may we continue to travel together...
• Merci pour your listening ears
• Merci pour your enjoyment of the Wicked soundtrack.
• Merci pour your friendship
• Merci pour a lovely note that I DID NOT UNDERSTAND AT ALL BECAUSE IT'S IN FRENCH!!! ;o)

Au revoir.

Memories

I had meant to do a 2005 retrospective - mostly for my own memory's sake. However, this post will not be that.

I had several people give me digital pictures today (I need a digital camera!). There's something about pictures that takes me back and makes me all sentimental. My sister Rebekah gave me some pics from this past Christmas, and Melissa found a CD of pictures from our trip to Las Vegas back in July 04.


The kids. I love the look on Josh's face. And no, I don't know why I'm not looking at the camera.







My mom, uncle, and Nana (who turns 98 this month).
How cute are they?? Seriously!










Cute.










There's a level of comfort I feel in these pictures that I can't quite put into words.

Seven

I was tapped by Drea - so here goes!

Seven Things to Do Before I Die (Lord willing):
1. Go to Europe (London, Paris, Rome minimum)
2. Be an "aunt" to my best friends' (future) kids
3. Play the cello...well.
4. Get married and have children
5. Be in a production of Godspell
6. Write a song
7. Live somewhere other than central IL

Seven Things I Cannot Do:
1. Leave a conversation with my best friend unresolved
2. Start a day without a caffeinated soda
3. Keep my office clean
4. Roll my tongue or roll my R's (I think that's genetic though)
5. Keep in touch with long-distance friends
6. Work ahead on schoolwork
7. Fold clothes properly

Seven Things that Attract Me to My (potential future) Spouse/Significant Other (completely hypothetical...and might I add this some of these are negotiable - some are not!):
1. His love for God - and God's kingdom - and the church - and people who don't love any of those things
2. His eyes and smile - these go together I think
3. His tolerance and/or love of music nerdiness
4. Enjoying to see and explore new places
5. The way he challenges me to be better
6. The way he listens and encourages
7. The way he loves to laugh

Seven Things I Say (or write!) Most Often:
1. I'm not gonna lie...
2. Your mom
3. CLEAR-ly
4. Whuh-BAM (from Mary)
5. Whatev's
6. I KNOW!
7. Get out!

Seven Books (or series) I Love:
1. Celebration of Discipline - Richard Foster
2. Divine Hours - Phyllis Tickle
3. What's So Amazing About Grace? - Phillip Yancy
4. Ragamuffin Gospel - Brennan Manning
5. Unceasing Worship - Harold Best
6. Jesus With Dirty Feet - Don Everts
7. John Ortberg books

Seven Movies I Would Watch Over and Over Again:
1. Princess Bride
2. Tommy Boy
3. Legally Blonde
4. Sleepless in Seattle
5. Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants (I've only watched it once though)
6. Singin' in the Rain
7. National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation

Seven People I Want to Join in - if they wish:
1. Brandy
2. Robyn Elise
3. Adriene
4. Rhonda
5. Danielle
6.
7.

Happy Holidays...Season's Greetings...or whatever...

I've been hearing a lot of people discuss or voice an opinion on the various ways to wish someone well during this particular time of year. Christians especially have made a point of saying, "Merry Christmas." Some people have protested stores that don't use the word Christmas, or re-name things (e.g. "holiday trees"), or refuse to use the more generic phrases. The positions on the issue range from indifference, mild concern, to obsession or paranoia ("fight the Christmas grinches"). I can't help but think that the word "Christmas" is not at risk as much as some make it seem.

I've never understood why we (Christians) get so defensive about the way society treats our religious celebrations. I suppose there's the sense that everyone used to be Christian in the U.S. (which was never true I'd propose) - and now it's becoming less the case. But shame on us for forgetting that our democratic society has given us the freedom to truly worship God - rather than the other way around.

Rather than arguing/protesting/speaking out in the secular arena, why not focus on truly celebrating Christmas ourselves? (I think this OpEd article says it well.)

It's a reminder that I need to take time and consider how to truly celebrate Christ's birth this year - and in the future.

Come, Thou Long Expected Jesus
words by Charles Wesley, 1744

Come, Thou long expected Jesus
Born to set Thy people free;
From our fears and sins release us,
Let us find our rest in Thee.
Israel's strength and consolation,
Hope of all the earth Thou art;
Dear desire of every nation,
Joy of every longing heart.

Born Thy people to deliver,
Born a child and yet a King,
Born to reign in us forever,
Now Thy gracious kingdom bring.
By Thine own eternal Spirit
Rule in all our hearts alone;
By Thine all sufficient merit,
Raise us to Thy glorious throne.

Basketball Season is upon us....

I am happy...especially as an Illinois fan...that football season is fading into memory and basketball season is picking up.

People who have known me for a while know that I've not been a sports fan for much of my life. However, attending the U of I made up for that quite a bit. I have 4 years in the Basketball Band and my friend Melissa to thank for my basketball education. (A real friend never tells you how stupid you are - but simply answers your questions!) I'm still learning, but I know MUCH more than I used to.

I have SO many good memories in the Basketball Band and at Illinois games in general:

• Getting to sit on the floor for all those games
• Chanting to the refs: "Go back! Go back to Foot Locker! Go back! Go back to Foot Locker! Sell shoes! (sell shoes!)"
• Holly feeling guilty about "heckling"
• The Mizzou games at the Saavis Center in St. Louis - all of them.
• The Indiana game when Bobby Knight was still the coach - the Orange Krush was BRUTAL.
• The free soda (hey, I'm easy to please)
• Going to games with my fellow UIUC alumni - and sitting back up in the nosebleeds
• Getting to see a game with the whole fam one Christmas break
• Watching the Illinois/Arizona Elite 8 game from last year's tournament after it had happened - but getting to be there with Chris, Melissa, and Josh when we made the Final Four (unbeLIEVEable!)

As for this season.I don't know that I'll make it over to Assembly Hall this year, which would be a first for about 7 seasons. As a fan, I try to never get too high expectations, but to just enjoy every game. I'd like to see nice leadership from the seniors - and growth from the younger ones.

Because I'm a visual/auditory person - this post MUST have pictures and music.

I stumbled upon this page today: http://umgawa.bands.uiuc.edu/BBB/media.html - it has songs from a recording session back when I was in the band. Personal favorites are: "Carry On My Wayward Son," (HUH!) "Everybody's Everything," and "Jungle Boogie."

My all-time favorite Illini:












And one from last season (during the Wake Forest game):










Go Illini!

Environmental Pollution

I am realizing lately how much of my attitude is a product of the environment in which I am residing. Namely - how clean, organized, and "put-together" my personal environment is affects how I feel when I'm there.

I have known this - but realized it even more after this past weekend. My sister, home from college, helped me decorate my bedroom a bit more. I bought a picture for the wall that I LOVE (it's a simple print of a tree - but with some interesting texturing techniques). My bedroom colors are some of my favorites (Earthy, fall tones). I also cleaned up my desk to make it more usable (rather than storage). Consequently, I've enjoyed spending time there (in addition to sleeping).

Now my office - it has been declining in organization quite gradually. It is now at a point of ridiculous clutter. Not only do I dislike it - but I hate it when people immediately look at the piles when they enter my office. The same sister mentioned above entered my office WHILE I was writing this entry, and immediately started straightening things. However, that was a minor dent in the mess.

The answer to this is an obvious one (i.e. "Bethany, get off your butt and clean your office.").
And I think I will....tomorrow....

Hour by hour, day by day

So for the last year I've been using The Divine Hours (compiled by Phyllis Tickle) devotionally. She uses Scriptures, hymn texts, and the Book of Common Prayer to create the offices - 4 prayer times throughout the day.

Growing up, the only formal prayer we used was the Lord's Prayer. Anything else "scripted" was avoided, in favor of more spontaneous prayers. So maybe it's bringing balance to my experience, but there is a richness in praying Scripture or prayers that are rich in language and theology - which have been prayed by believers over the centuries.

I'm looking forward to going through Advent this year (another word not used in my church!) using these prayers.

This week's prayer:
Blessed Lord, who caused all holy Scriptures to be written for our learning: Grant me so to hear them, read, mark, learn, and inwardly digest them, that I may embrace and ever hold fast the blessed hope of everlasting life, which you have given us in our Savior Jesus Christ; who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, for ever and ever. Amen.

Amen indeed.

Also, I have found a great security in praying the Gloria:
Glory be to God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. As it was in the beginning, so it is now and so it shall ever be, world without end. Alleluia. Amen.

(You can see the current office's text at: http://www.annarborvineyard.org/tdh/tdh.cfm)

This is about as introspective as I can be

So I've been trying unsuccessfully to write a meaningful post over the past 3 days. So far all I've got it a few drafts about insecurity, community, and change. Hmm. So I did one of these blog-things. Here's what it said about me:

Your Power Color Is Red-Orange

At Your Highest: You are warm, sensitive, and focused on your personal growth. At Your Lowest: You become defensive and critical if you feel attacked. In Love: You are loyal - but you demand the respect you deserve. How You're Attractive: You are very affectionate and inspire trust. Your Eternal Question: "Am I Respected?"

What's" Your Power Color?

And I thought it was pretty accurate. (especially for a blogthing - my expectations weren't high)

"You become defensive and critical if you feel attacked." Guilty. This happens frequently in my closest relationships - I take everything personally. As an artist, it takes a severe effort by my logical side to counterbalance critique or even commentary about something I've been a part of. Now, *I* am allowed to critique it to DEATH - but someone else? Hah. And my version of defensive and critical is often more subtle than getting angry (for example, getting frustrated and shutting down). Fortunately, I have people in my life unafraid to call me out. It's just hard to get past that initial tendency.

"You are loyal." To a fault. I have always been the friend who tries a little bit longer than the other to stay in touch, hang out, etc. I am somewhat particular about who I get close to, but once I do... Also, crushes stick around for MUCH longer than my logic should allow. However, it has allowed for some friendships that were more real and lasting than I ever knew was possible.

So hopefully I'll get one of those other posts finished soon...

Birthday Weekend Highlights & Lowlights

I had an awesome time away - perfect really. Which makes the rest of this post just for the fun of it. Long story short, I have amazing friends and family - and I enjoyed myself quite a bit!

Highlight: Going to St. Louis w/ Melissa and seeing the cool historic hotel we were to stay in for the weekend downtown
Lowlight: Realizing that they wanted to have us pay $25 a day to park in their ramp

Highlight: Driving around the college town area on a perfect fall day with Stevie Wonder's greatest hits
Lowlight: That I don't live in a place like that (it's hard to come up with a lowlight for that!)

Highlight: Going to Pier 1 and spending a gift card I'd been carrying for 6 months
Lowlight: The interesting/awkward tourist recommendations from the Pier 1 cashier guy

Highlight: Nice dinner at P.F. Changs and an evening at Borders with no time limit
Lowlight: Melissa getting sick in the Borders bathroom after being chased by a drunk random guy in the parking lot

Highlight: Finding a place to park on the street overnight (to avoid the $25 parking garage)
Lowlight: Street people we encountered on the 6 block walk back to the hotel whose comments ranged from humorous to highly inappropriate

Highlight: Getting a phonecall from my sister at college wishing me a happy birthday
Lowlight: Hearing that said sister considers 25 to be young, but 26 to be old

Highlight: Lunch at St. Louis Bread Company (a.k.a. Panera) at the Loop
Lowlight: Skipping the nearby Coldstone Creamery

Highlight: Walking around the City Museum in downtown St. Louis - an amazing playground
Lowlight: Not acting like a kid at the museum - since there were actually kids there

Highlight: Shopping at the Galleria - $20 jeans from the Gap (quite needed!) were the only purchase
Lowlight: Too much to see in a short time

Highlight: Being surprised by a large group of friends who traveled 45min-1.5hours to spend my birthday evening in St. Louis (!)
Lowlight: The long wait at Cheesecake Factory

Highlight: Opening very thoughtful cards from friends
Lowlight: Receiving my first Bar Mitzvah card ("Today you are a man") - Hah!

Highlight: Hearing that Spear brought homemade banana pudding
Lowlight: Hearing that we didn't have anything to eat it with

Highlight: Going back to the City Museum with everyone - and actually running around like little kids like I wanted to earlier
Lowlight: Keeping my friends up waaaaaaay late


So, to review - my 25th birthday was pretty stinkin cool.

I gotta get outta here

Well, I finished my project - and with several sleeping hours to spare I might add. Go me. If you have any questions about the Church of God (Anderson, Indiana), ask them quick - because I think all of that information will leave me shortly. Praise God, I picked up a form today to declaring intent to graduate in May 06!


Random moment of the day: As soon as I walk in my office at church this afternoon, my office phone rings - it's my mom. She tells me that a lady named Kathy just called her and said that she found a cell phone in the Qdoba parking lot - my cell phone. So my mom went and picked it up from her this afternoon and brought it to me. So - Kathy and my mom are seriously my favorite people of the day!
Kathy - She finds a random phone in a parking lot, and rather than just taking it to the lost and found of a restaurant uses my recent calls to find someone connected to me.
And my mom! - (She's so awesome anyways) Takes time on her day off to help her clutsy daughter - I have the best mom (for more reasons than just that)

I'm taking off for a few days this week w/ Melissa - to go to St. Louis. Should be good - relaxing and just...really good.

The time is right
I'm gonna pack my bags
And take that journey down the road
Cause over the mountain I see the bright sun shinning
And I want to live inside the glow

Yeah I wanna go to place where I am nothing and everything
That exists between here and nowhere
I wanna got to a place where time has no consequence oh yeah
The sky opens to my prayers

I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful...

-India Arie, "Beautiful"

Procrastination Station

Must....not....avoid....seminary project!

Must.....get....sleep....this time around....

Argh!!

(I'm going to Starbucks soon - the land of un-free wireless - otherwise I'm WEAK!)

I Want A Broken Heart

This is the theme of my days recently.

"I've got faith in the bank
and money in my heart
I've got a calloused place
where your ring used to be, my love

I've traded naked and unashamed
for a better place to hide
for a righteous mask
a suit of fig leaves and lies

I thought the cattle on a thousand hills
was not enough to pay my bills
and I fell in love with those who proved me wrong
and now I want a broken heart"

-Derek Webb

I am way too good at ignoring the voice that whispers, "You are even more calloused to all of this than you even realize."

It's a scary prayer - the one for brokenness that is.

I can rest in God's grace - but I think my problem is too much rest.

You should learn something new every day

First, I'd like to share a few things I learned this past weekend on my bus trip w/ highschoolers to see "Wicked":

• Perfume is a weapon. It should be strictly regulated - especially in small enclosed areas.
• The ushers at nice theaters have become much more aggressive lately. We had one lady yelling across half the balcony at people taking pictures. She stressed me out.
• According to the girl in front of me on the bus, "All religions are basically about the same thing - God. There are just so many different kinds because people disagree on the small things. Like, Martin Luther was a monk, but he wanted to get married and have kids. So he nailed those things on the door, and that's how we got Protestants!"
• There are still very few guys in high school choir. Poor souls.
• I. love. Chicago. I need to live in an urban area. I might hate it, but at least I'd get it out of my system.
• My sister is VERY cool. We had fun eating Twizzlers during the show and laughing at the scary usher. I'm really glad I got to go see "Wicked" - but especially with Mary.

My new toy: www.last.fm It tracks the songs you listen to, shows you others who have similar tastes in music, and has an option for streaming radio. Muy bueno.

Oh, and the UofI Homecoming game was fun too. Our parking place was SWEEEET. Spear and I made up a loyalty song to the company that provided it ("We're loyal to you H.D. Smith..."). The boys were very patient with me and my marching band nerdiness. We stood by the tunnel as the band entered, we went up to the east balcony to watch pre-game, we ran down the big ramps, and they listened to me ramble about the fossil band. Between the band and the Stevie Wonder (YEAH, Stevie Wonder!!) we listened to, I was dancing quite a bit over the course of the evening. The football game itself? Not worth speaking of. However, we did stay to the end.

Come, weekend, come!

So my weekend is going to be quite full....but fortunately it will be things I enjoy a lot!

Friday I get to go with my sister's high school choir to Chicago to see Wicked. (British voice: Wwwwiiiiicked!) I haven't seen a professional show in a long while....probably a year at least...so I'm so ready. Mary told me to bring a book for the bus ride since she'd be hanging out with her friends. Hah! I'm not familiar with the show - but have heard great things. I'm hoping Ana Gastayer will still be performing.

Then Saturday is the U of I homecoming football game. Again, it's been since fall 2003 since I've been to a game - so I'm quite overdue. Time to get out my Marching Illini music again. I'm also going with fellow Illini fans. (We're used to the team not doing so well. We're still loyal.)

Good music....good experiences outside the normal Springfield realm....

A moment from the Willow A2 Conference

2 student registrations for a Willow Creek A2 Conference
3 nights at a nice hotel
A tank of gas to get up to the suburbs
7 nationally known speakers/pastors
3 different worship teams leading in a 1 year-old worship auditorium with all the bells & whistles
4,000 other church leaders attending the same conference
Having your best friend lean over halfway through the 2nd day of the conference and whisper, "I'm tired of worshipping": Priceless!

Had a good week - it was nice to get away and just take in a bunch of different perspectives. It was also fun to be with my friend. We had some good car time - tough, but hopefully productive conversations.

Columbus Day

• Began: 9:30am
• Climate: A perfect autumn day
• Menu: Leftover cajun chicken pasta and CHEESY BISCUITS from Red Lobster...and a iced chai in the afternoon
• Soundtrack: John Mayer - specifically, "Why Georgia" and "Love Song for No One"
• Achievements: Shopping without purchasing and remembering my horn lesson on a holiday
• Locations: The apartment, the parentals (when no one was there), JC Penneys, Lincoln Memorial Gardens (standing in for Allerton Park), and church - 3 usuals, 1 planned, and 1 exceptional
• Uniform: Jeans and my new Geneva Vikings t-shirt
• Pondering: Life purpose, love (or lack thereof), and new resolve to be disciplined
• Productive moments: folding laundry, putting away dishes (note the lack of homework/work items)
• Evening Plans: Undetermined

In praise of seminary...and Southern Baptists?!?

I've definitely complained plenty about being in grad school while working a full time job over the past few years. However, I feel the need to sing the praises of seminary for a moment. I am taking a COOL class this semester.

It's called "Contemporary Protestant Church Theologies" - and it's allowing me to take a more in-depth look at the major Protestant groups. Up to this point most of my knowledge of "other" groups has been stereotypes and worship practices.

This week I had to teach the class (it's in a seminar format) on the Southern Baptist Convention. I have to say - it was fascinating to get a more specific idea about the theology and structure of this group. Stereotypes don't really cut it.

Usually when I have a big school project I'm working on it hangs like a cloud over my head and I'm in a MOOD about having to do it. For whatever reason, this project wasn't like that. I still procrastinated (I mean...of course...) - but I didn't mind doing the work.

This class has already allowed me to converse on a much better level with my friends from other branches of Christianity. It's a shame I can't go to class next week - they're looking at the Reformed family.

On serving...

I've wanted to process the church's lastest "emphasis" for a while - but now that it's somewhat over I'm able to step back and take it in easier. The idea? The Church Has Left the Building. Re-looking at what it means to BE the church - in particular, how part of the worship of our church needs to be a visible reflection of Christ in our community.

So we took breakfast to teachers. We read to kids at schools. We washed cars for free and picked up trash. We encouraged everyone to invest in the lives of others - just for the sake of loving and caring for them. We try to actually get to know our neighbors. We hosted a really fun movie on the lawn/carnival last Friday (picture above).
I expected to hear words of thanks from the people we served...and we did. However, what has been more surprising is the words of thanks from the people who had the chance to serve. Isn't that funny? We serve others - but we are the ones who change the most.

I really enjoyed getting "out of the building." I've known for a while that I need to do it more. I spend so much of my time at work (church) or school (seminary) - that it can be stifling. In little steps - but intentionally - this has to change.

I just have to say - I have never been so excited about what God's teaching us as a church. It's nothing new - we're just starting to "get it" a bit better. I don't know what's next with this group of people called the church - but I am so glad to be a part of it.

Ready? Okay! 2 3 4...

Saw Sufjan Stevens and the Illinoisemakers in St. Louis last night.
What a FUN show!
The whole show had a pep rally theme - all the musicians in cheerleading outfits (with big block I's on the front of course), cheers for the introduction of several songs, spirit fingers, and a human pyramid. It was a riot! I was especially amazed at the musicianship and teamwork this group had. There was lots of jumping from instrument to instrument throughout the show.
I've only listened to the "Illinois" album for a few weeks now, but I loved the energy that the live performances brought to the songs.
"They are Night Zombies..." was probably my favorite.
That and the random guy who yelled, "I love Polish people!!" after "Casmir Pulaski Day."
So, thanks to my brother for introducing me to Sufjan and encouraging me to go see him live.

Music is her food

My iPod has been working for a week and a half now - and it is my new best friend. I've been rediscovering all of my music that used to sit around lonely and unloved -- and now listening to it again is like catching up with an old friend. Maybe I can't travel - but I can really escape in music. Am I melodramatic? Hah.

Anyways...here's a few of my old friends:

• Dumb (but fun!) pop music - EnVogue, Destiny's Child, and others too embarrassing to share...
• My piano playing friends - Stevie and Billy (Wonder and Joel, that is)
• Beethoven's 7th Symphony
• Sarah McLachlan
• Musicals - Godspell Prologue, Lion King soundtrack
• Caedmon's Call Guild CDs....especially the sound check from Guild 3 and their cover of "In God's Country"

And some new friends too!:

• Over the Rhine
• Robbie Seay Band
• The Normals - "Grace"

Don't bother me when my headphones are on.

Rejoice with those who rejoice - mourn with those who mourn?

I had a rough Sunday a few days ago. I had a crisis of faith of sorts. Not so much of what I believe - but how I practice it (especially as a leader). Fortunately I've been able to process it with some good friends - to whom I am very grateful. But I'd like to put a few thoughts on here to remind myself of what God's teaching me.

The basic issue is the problem of pain - which is nothing new - but this week I couldn't ignore it.
I'm not naive enough to think that people don't suffer or question every week. And yet on Sunday we come together to sing songs about who God is and what He has done...and this is often from a very comfortable/happy mindset. But not last Sunday...

So over the past week -
The hurricane tragedy surrounded everyone - which is a national/global/human tragedy.
But the thing that got to me most: A young, strong, healthy 21-year old guy from church gets a surprising and devastating diagnosis with little warning or hope - and he and his family are in church.

As I walked out to lead the body in songs of praise - my heart was so heavy as I saw this family and especially this kid. I have NO idea what they're experiencing - doubt, anger, pain,...
And I sang,

"Forever God is faithful, forever God is strong...."

"And right now in the good times and bad - You are on Your throne and You are God alone"

"I know for sure all of my days are held in Your hand, crafted into Your perfect plan"

- and I know all of those things are true.
But it was not comforting - it actually made me want to grieve.

My brother and sister were home from college - so we all ate lunch together. As my dad thanked God for our home, our food, and our health - and prayed for those who did not have some of those things - I lost it. (Meaning, I went to the bathroom - and bawled.)

I know all the right answers about worshipping God despite circumstances. But I think I had a moment that Melissa has told me about that I've not had often.
Come soon, Jesus. This world hurts and we want to be with you. You promised there will be a day when there won't be any more pain or sorrow. Let it be very soon - as You always intended it to be.
Forgive me for forgetting where I am - and what You've told me about that.

Then, yesterday, I got an email with a video based on Psalm 137 - images from the hurricane and a song called, "Don't Make Us Sing This." I'm there. And I'm not the first or last person to feel that way.
(If you go this site you can request a free download - it's Music Video 2. It's by Waterdeep's Lori Chaffer.)
http://theworkofthepeople.com/
It's okay to mourn - and yet have faith.